


Ranch Boy

by ironspydr, UnfortunatelySux



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Coming Out, Fake Dating, M/M, biphobic dad, fast and unapologetic burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-25 10:39:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15639069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ironspydr/pseuds/ironspydr, https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnfortunatelySux/pseuds/UnfortunatelySux
Summary: Request from tumblr. Evan’s dad doesn’t believe he’s bisexual, so Evan has to resort to a fake boyfriend to prove it.





	Ranch Boy

Evan nearly scoffed. “What are you talking about?” he asked in a snappy manner. “I know my sexuality, y-you can’t just say you don’t believe me. I’m not suggesting it, I’m coming out to you.” He knew telling his dad he was bisexual would be hard, but he’d never expected it to go this way. 

Evan's dad shrugged. “I'm just saying, you can't really know if you've never actually been with anyone!”

Evan wanted to say a lot of things, including, but not limited to, _are you a fucking idiot?_ What came out of his mouth, though, was a weak “I have a boyfriend!”

His dad jolted. “Who?!”

Evan knew he couldn’t just make it up. It would be too hard to keep the lie going. “Y-You know Jared? Mom’s friend’s son?” What was he doing? Jared? Really?

His dad straightened. “The Kleinman boy?”

“Y-Yes,” Evan said quietly. 

He grunted. “Fine. We'll see. Invite him over for dinner.”

“I have to have dinner with you?”

His dad shot him a look.

Evan gulped. “H-He’ll be there.”

His dad nodded, shuffling out of the room.

Evan wanted to explode. He grabbed his phone and sent Jared a text asking to video call ASAP. 

Jared responded with a question mark, but added to video call him in five minutes anyway. 

The time passed by agonizingly slow for Evan. He had ample time to get very anxious. When he pressed the call button, he was shaking. 

Jared answered after two rings. “Hey.”

Evan was breathing hard. “I came out to my dad.”

Jared was quiet for a second. “And?” 

“You’re my boyfriend.”

“What?”

“I lied to him!”

“About me?!”

“I’m sorry! It just happened! I didn’t mean to! He didn’t _believe_ me!”

“What does that mean?!”

“I don’t know! Long story short, you’re my boyfriend!”

Jared sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Great.”

“I’m sorry! I know you don’t like me, and I know we’re family friends, but I didn’t know what to do!”

Jared grimaced. “Look. I'll pretend to be your fake boyfriend. For a price.”

“I don’t have any money, Jared!”

Jared waved a hand dismissively. “We'll figure out how you'll pay me back later. I don't know what I want yet.”

“T-That’s ominous.”

Jared shrugged. “Do you want me to play along or not?”

“P-Please! You know my dad, he’d– He’d do something unpleasant if I went to dinner without you.”

Jared sighed. “Fine. Is that all you called me for?”

“I also wanted to, um, say hello?”

“Hi, Evan.”

“H-Hi, Jared.”

“How are you?”

“Bad!”

“Nice.”

“Jared!”

“Hi!”

“No!”

“Oh?”

“Bye!” Evan hung up, still shaking. 

Jared shot him a text. 

J: _how rude_

E: _Sorry!_

J: _tell ur dad I said hi ;)_

E: _No!_

Jared didn't respond.

Evan didn’t bother trying to keep the conversation alive; he’d learned long ago that annoying people wasn’t the way to get them to stick around. 

It wasn't until a couple hours later that Evan received another text. 

J: _just don't fall in love with me, got it?_

Evan read it instantly, and scoffed. 

E: _I won’t._

J: _good_

Evan didn’t bother sending anything else. He hadn’t calmed down since his talk with his dad, and probably wouldn’t again until his father was back in Colorado.

Jared sent him one final text for the night. 

J: _sleep tight, lover boy_

Evan saw the notification, but didn’t tap it. He’d had enough for the time being. 

-———

Jared found Evan the next day before class. “Hey there, boyfriend.”

Evan sighed, fidgeting with his backpack strap. “You don’t have to do that here.”

Jared shrugged. “Isn't it better to get used to it so we don't fuck up in front of your dad?”

“I wouldn’t want to ruin your perfect reputation.”

Jared rolled his eyes. “Shut up. I'm trying to help you.”

“You still haven’t told me what you want in return.”

“I'm not sure yet.”

“Right.”

“So shut up and pretend date me.”

“Fine.” 

Jared paused, grabbing Evan's hand curiously.

Evan wished he’d been given a warning, because he knew his hand was covered in sweat. He grit his teeth and beared it.

Jared curiously laced their fingers together. “Your hands are big,” he noted.

“Sorry,” Evan mumbled. 

“Why would you be sorry?”

Evan shook his head, but started rambling anyway. “My hands, they’re too big and rough and sweaty and gross, and they’ve gotta be uncomfortable, and I got you into this mess, so sorry.”

Jared rolled his eyes. “They're not too big. They feel nice. I don't care if they're sweaty. It happens.”

Nice? Evan wasn’t going to question it. “They’re not soft like yours.”

“So?”

“So, they’re bad.”

“Not true.”

“Just let me believe it.”

“No, because it's not fucking true.”

“Jared, you’re not my real boyfriend, you don’t have to do this.”

Jared tsked, dropping Evan's hand. “Fine. Whatever. Find me at lunch, the bell's about to ring.”

Evan didn’t look at him. “Yeah, I’ll– I’ll find you.”

“Cool.” Jared turned on his heel, striding off.

Evan sighed. He picked up his backpack from where it had fallen down his arm, and trudged off to his homeroom, dreading the time lunch came. 

When lunch did roll around, Jared found himself sitting at the secluded table in the corner of the cafeteria that Evan usually sat at.

Evan’s shoulders tensed when he walked in to see Jared already at his seat. He hadn’t had time to prepare himself. Nonetheless, he approached him. 

“Hey,” Jared greeted. 

Evan’s voice was flat but wavering. “Hi. Can I sit?”

“It is your table, Evan.”

“My name isn’t on it,” Evan shot back. 

Jared rolled his eyes. “Neither is mine.”

Evan sat down anyway. “Are you eating lunch?”

“I have.. fries?”

“Good enough I guess.”

“Are _you_ gonna eat?”

“No.”

Jared’s expression was flat. “Why not?”

“I don’t have to justify myself to you, Jared,” Evan shot. 

Jared sucked his teeth, pushing his tray of fries away. “Why are you being so damn hostile?”

Evan sighed. “Because I’m so anxious about this that I’ve passed the point of nervousness and ascended into anger. I– Sorry.”

Jared grimaced. “Well stop. It's fine. Or at least it will be if you don't act like a bitch.”

“I’m not trying to!” Evan exclaimed. 

Jared's jaw twitched slightly. “Well try better. Hold my hand.”

Evan didn’t look at him, but put his hand out. 

Jared didn't move. “Look at me.”

Evan grimaced, his eyes meeting Jared’s. 

Jared's expression softened as he reached out, grabbing Evan's hand and lacing their fingers. “Hey,” he started softly. “How are you?”

Evan felt his face grow warm. “I- You know how I am.”

Jared kept up his gentle demeanor. “It’s gonna be okay, yeah?” He kissed the back of Evan's hand. “You're okay.”

Evan suddenly was very aware of the blood in his face. “O-Okay?”

Jared smiled sweetly, grabbing a fry. “Eat?” He held it up for him.

Evan’s mouth opened instantly against his better judgement. 

Jared dropped it into his mouth, pecking his cheek. “Thank you.”

Evan's brain felt fuzzy. “W-Welcome?”

Jared kept his smile up for a second longer before it dropped back into his usual vaguely smug bored expression. He dropped Evan's hand so he could grab a fry for himself. “See, now was that so hard?”

Evan blinked. “Wh-What just happened?”

“I showed you how to not act like a bitch.” Jared scoffed. “It's called acting.”

“Wait– That's what that was?” Evan sounded almost disappointed. 

“What did you think it was?”

“I don't know,” Evan muttered. 

Jared took a particularly aggressive bite. “You wanted a pretend boyfriend.”

“I _needed_ a pretend boyfriend.”

Jared sighed, expression blank. “Right. Well, you have one.”

“Thanks,” Evan mumbled under his breath. He felt his heart rate go back down. 

Jared shrugged. “Are you gonna stop being rude now?”

Evan gulped. “Uh, yeah. S-sorry.”

“Good. Then that's fine. This will be fine.”

“Will it?”

Jared nodded. “Yeah. Promise.”

Evan sighed. “Okay.”

Jared nudged his leg beneath the table. “It'll be okay.”

Evan nudged him back. “Right.”

Jared gave him a smile, this one genuine. “You really should eat.”

“I ate a fry. I'm fine.”

“That's not enough.”

Evan gave him a dead look and opened his mouth for another fry. 

Jared quirked an eyebrow, picking up four fries and shoving them into Evan’s mouth.

Evan ate them willingly. 

Jared curiously grabbed six fries, holding them up.

Evan opened his mouth again. 

Jared put them in.

Evan ate them the same as before. 

Jared grabbed ten.

“Put ‘em in,” Evan said. 

Jared eyed him, then grabbed the small plate of fries and tipped it into Evan's mouth.

Evan ate them all like a garbage disposal. 

“Jesus Christ.”

“Mm?”

Jared pulled a bag of chips out of his bag, opening it up. 

“Oh?”

Jared held it up near Evan's mouth.

Evan’s lips parted as he raised an eyebrow. 

Jared dumped some chips in.

Evan ate them easily. “What’s this about?”

Jared eyed him. “Can you eat ass like that?”

“What?!”

“Can you eat ass like that?”

“What the hell?!”

“It's a simple question, really.”

“You don’t need to know that!”

“As a fake boyfriend, it's important info.”

“Assume it's yes then.”

Jared suddenly seemed more interested.

“You okay?”

“Mhmm,” Jared hummed, a hand on Evan's wrist. It trailed up his arm lightly. Evan's breath hitched. “Uh..?”

Jared smiled at him sweetly. 

“Hi?”

“Hey.” Jared had a plan now. Seduce Evan into meaningless gay sex. 

“Um…?”

Jared sensually rubbed Evan's arm. “So, can I come over this afternoon? For practice?”

Evan shakily peeled Jared's hand off his arm. “Sure,” he whispered. 

Jared smirked. “Great.” He stood up, leaning down to kiss Evan's cheek a second longer than necessary. “See you after school.”

Evan actually squeaked. “Oh, good,” he said flatly. 

Jared gave him one last smile before turning and striding off.

\----------

The school day ended as usual, and Evan reluctantly waited for Jared outside. 

Jared shuffled out with a scowl on his face, not seeing Evan at first.

Evan awkwardly waved his arms around for Jared to see. 

Jared's eyes caught on him and he straightened up, shuffling over. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Evan monotoned. 

Jared didn't have the energy to put on the fake front just yet. He figured being unguarded for a few minutes wouldn't hinder his plans. “Shitty day. You?”

Evan nodded. “Definitely.”

Jared nodded. “Yeah.”

“You gonna follow me in your car, or…?”

Jared shrugged. “That's fine. Or I could ride with you. Doesn't matter.”

“You shouldn’t leave your car here.”

Jared nodded. “Then I can drive over.”

“Cool.”

Jared nodded. “You ready to go?”

“Yeah,” Evan said. “Get it over with.”

Jared nodded again. “Is your dad home?”

“Oh yeah.”

“I'm sure he'll be delighted to see me, then.”

Evan shrugged. “He’ll be something.”

Jared snorted. “Great. Let's get it over with.”

“Exactly.” Evan sighed and headed to his car.

\-----

Jared stepped out of his car. “Home sweet home, huh?”

Evan unlocked the front door, not wanting his father to come open it himself. “Yeah, whoop dee doo.”

Jared snorted. “Right.”

“Uh, just come in.” Evan pulled him through. 

Jared closed the door behind them. “Where is he?”

“Guest room probably. He’s been jetlagged.”

Jared nodded. “Fun. Let's pretend to fuck to make him mad.”

“Or we could not do that.”

Jared shrugged. 

Evan sighed and dragged Jared to his room. 

Once they were in there, Jared immediately locked on to Evan's shelf of houseplants. “They're still alive, huh?”

“I’d never let them die, Jared,” Evan scoffed. 

“Yeah,” Jared laughed slightly. “I know.”

“They’re good and healthy.”

“Naturally.” Jared laughed again. “You're a good caretaker.”

“Thanks.” Evan sat down. “What do you mean by practice by the way?”

Jared shrugged. “Practice being boyfriends.”

“Like... how?”

Jared scoffed, pulling him into a kiss.

Evan was...very bisexual. He felt himself kissing back until he remembered it was Jared. Then he pushed him off. 

Jared nodded. “Not too bad. Except it might seem unconvincing if your dad sees you push me away like that.”

“I didn't think kissing would be involved!”

Jared gave him a blank look. “Boyfriends kiss, Evan. This is exactly why we need practice.”

Evan gulped. “We don't _have_ to kiss.”

“Evan, have you ever read or seen any movie involving this situation? They always get asked to kiss and then they aren't prepared.”

“So thanks for the preparation!”

Jared rolled his eyes. “It was just a kiss, Evan.”

“Yeah, thanks. Now we're prepared.”

“Are we? You don't seem very prepared. Couples kiss all the time, you can't freak out over it.”

“This is what you wanted to practice? Kissing me?”

“Not just that, but it's obviously part of it.”

“What else then?”

Jared shrugged. “Like, being cutesie and stuff.” He grabbed Evan's hand. “Hand holding.”

“Cutesie,” Evan repeated. “Right.” He interlaced their fingers. 

Jared smiled at him sweetly. “See? Not so bad.”

“I don't like that look on your face.”

“A smile?”

“Like you actually care.”

Jared scoffed. “Who said I don't care?”

“You, several times a day.”

“Oh yeah.” Jared frowned. “Maybe I care a little.”

“Oh, sure you do,” Evan mumbled. 

Jared frowned. “I do. Otherwise I wouldn't have come.”

“You just want payment.”

“If that were true I wouldn't put in actual work like I am right now.”

“You're just fucking with me.”

“How?!”

“You're just trying to get a reaction from me.” Evan shrugged. “For laughs.”

“I'm not laughing, Evan.”

“Not yet.”

Jared tsked. “Evan, seriously. Quit trying to make me seem heartless. I care.”

“Oh really? It seemed like you did at lunch, but the way you just snapped out of it–”

Jared huffed. “Is that what you're upset about?”

“Yes, okay?!”

“I'm sorry, then!”

“Why would you be?!”

“Because!” 

“That's a bullshit answer.”

Jared huffed, dropping down onto Evan's bed. “I don't know what I can do to get you to believe me, Evan. I'm sorry I upset you.”

Evan shrugged. “Practice kissing again I guess.”

Jared blinked. “Huh?”

“Get it over with. Kiss me. Whatever. My dad's across the hall, we don't have time to argue.”

Jared huffed. “Fine.” He pulled him down to meet his lips.

Evan tried to treat it as normally as possible.

Jared was very enthusiastic about it.

It made it hard for Evan to keep up. 

Jared's hand came up to Evan's jaw, his thumb rubbing his cheek lightly.

Evan let his guard down, some genuine emotion seeping through. 

Jared tilted his head, urging Evan to deepen it by opening his mouth up slightly.

Evan did, pushing into Jared. 

Jared let out a soft noise, his other hand on Evan's hip.

Evan made a noise too, his hand snaking up to Jared’s hair. 

Jared continued to urge the kiss on, his tongue snaking out to swipe over Evan’s bottom lip.

Evan made a louder, more needy sound. His lips parted further. 

Jared leaned in further, unintentionally urging Evan to lean back on the bed.

Evan gave in, his back touching the cool sheets. 

Jared hovered over him with an arm pressed into the mattress beside his head. 

Evan almost made a sound too embarrassing, but his bedroom door opened. 

Evan’s father jolted. “Evan!”

“Dad!” Evan yelled against Jared, still not moving. 

Jared pulled off of him. “Mr. Hansen!”

Evan’s dad practically shrieked. “Get up, Evan!”

Evan did so immediately. “H-Hey…!”

“Just what do you think you're doing?!”

Evan panicked. “Having reckless sex!”

“What?!” His father straightened up. 

“I-I mean–” Evan searched Jared for an answer. 

Jared spoke up. “I'm his boyfriend. We were kissing. Couples do that.” 

Evan’s father huffed. “Evan, This can't be what you want.”

“What? Boys? Or him?”

“Both! But especially him!”

Evan’s voice was flat. “I’m surprised too.”

Jared jolted. “Hey!”

“Sorry!”

Evan's father huffed again. “This won't last the week.” He turned on his heel, striding out of the room.

Evan let out a breath. “Holy shit.”

Jared blinked. “That's kinda rude.”

“I'm angry-anxious, I told you.”

“Not you, him.”

“Oh. That's him. You know how he is.” 

Jared pouted. “What's wrong with me?”

“Well…”

“What!?”

“You're really mean like a lot.”

Jared grimaced. “I guess.”

“But so is he.”

“Yeah.”

“At least that was convincing.”

Jared nodded. “Right.”

“Uh, a-are you hungry or anything?” Evan asked awkwardly. 

“I could eat, I guess.” Jared cleared his throat. 

“My mom left money for pizza. It's supposed to be for me and my dad, but she doesn't have to know. It's probably what dad's getting for dinner anyway.”

Jared laughed. “Devious.”

“I'm a real rebellious teenager.”

“Totally. Speaking of rebellious teenager, 'reckless sex’?”

“I panicked! And that's what it felt like anyway!”

“Oh?” Jared smiled. “You felt like having sex?”

“Psh.”

Jared laughed. “That's not a no!”

“I don't know what sex feels like, Jared.”

“Pretty good.”

“Yeah? Get that off the back of a condom box?”

“Mayhaps. Or maybe I've actually gotten laid. Who's to say.”

“I'm voting for the condoms.”

He was right. “Well, you're wrong.”

“Sure I am.”

Jared pouted.

“Anyway, at least that worked.”

Jared nodded. “Right. You were pretty into it.”

“It's called acting.”

Jared snorted. “Right.”

“I'm not going to have this conversation.”

“Fine.” Jared waved it off. “Let's go order shitty take out.”

“What? No, my dad wants you at dinner.”

Jared grimaced. “But he's mean.”

“That was the whole deal, Jared!” Evan cried. “That's why he wants you here! Dinner!”

“Okay, fine! What do we do till then, make out more?”

“Obviously not.”

Jared snorted.

“What?!”

“Dunno. Just kinda funny.”

“What, me?” Evan scoffed. 

“The situation.”

“Thanks.”

“Any time.”

“I feel like you think this is hilarious.”

“Who's to say?”

Evan sighed. “Right. Well, I have homework to do.”

“Boo!”

“I can...do yours too?”

“What?”

“I can do your homework?”

“Why?”

“So I’ll owe you less later.”

Jared frowned.

“Give it here.” Evan held his hand out. 

“No, I can do it myself.”

“What?”

“I can do my homework myself, Evan.”

Evan scoffed. “Whatever then. I’m really anxious if you couldn't tell, actually, so.”

“I could tell.”

“Great.”

Jared laid back on the bed. “Loosen up, Ev.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I don't want to.”

“I want you to.”

“No.”

Jared sighed. “Fine.” He got into Evan's bed properly, pulling the blankets up to his chest.

Evan blinked. “What are you doing?”

“Sleeping.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Fine, just don’t get it all messed up like your bed.” Evan went to his desk. 

“We’ll see.” 

“God.”

Jared snorted, letting his eyes fall closed. 

Evan rolled his eyes and clicked his pen. 

Jared ignored it.

After a while, Evan found himself watching Jared instead of doing calculus. 

Jared had actually ended up drifting off and was sleeping lightly, mouth slightly open.

Evan smiled to himself. When he wasn’t sneering or making a rude comment, Jared was admittedly a little cute. 

Jared mumbled softly in his sleep, rolling over onto his side. He hugged the pillow to himself.

“Aw,” Evan heard himself coo, rolling his chair over to the bed.

Jared didn't move, nuzzling the pillow slightly.

“That’s cute,” Evan murmured. 

Jared whimpered, his fingers twitching. He mumbled under his breath.

“What are you saying?” Evan whispered, getting closer to hear. 

“Ev, please..” he murmured. “Hand.” He seemed needy, even in his sleep.

“Huh?” Evan put his hand on top of Jared’s. 

Jared smiled slightly, fingers twitching again.

Evan moved his hand so he was holding Jared’s. 

Jared hummed in his sleep. “Kiss..”

“K– What? Are you awake?”

Jared didn't respond.

“Jared?”

He cuddled further into the pillow.

“Are you okay?”

Jared mumbled something incoherent.

“Hm?”

Jared snored softly. 

Evan got out of his chair. “Wake up.”

Jared didn't move.

Evan pulled his hand away. “Jared.”

Jared stirred. “Mmn,” he hummed.

Evan narrowed his eyes and put his hand back. 

Jared grasped it automatically.

“Huh?” Evan pulled it away again. 

Jared whined slightly.

Once more, Evan put his hand back. 

Jared grabbed it, rolling and pulling his hand under his cheek, effectively cuddling it.

“Oh my god.” Evan couldn’t move it away. “Jared, wake up.”

Jared did not.

Evan shook him with his free hand. “Jared!”

Jared whined as he stirred. 

“Stop complaining. My dad actually did order pizza, so we gotta get going.”

Jared whined again, rolling over onto his back with a yawn. “Wha?”

Evan sighed. “Dad used the pizza money to get pizza and it’ll be here soon, so get up and stop canoodling with my hand.”

Jared cracked an eye open. “Canoodlin?”

“Yeah.” Evan pulled on his hand for emphasis. 

Jared released it. “The fuck did you do to me while I was asleep?”

“You wanted my hand, you said so yourself. And you also said kiss.”

“Uh?”

“You said it! And my name!”

“Right.”

“Jared, you did!”

Jared shrugged. “Dinner?”

Evan crossed his arms. “Yeah, whatever.”

Jared snuggled down into the bed. “Later.”

“I don't think it's a choose your own time thing.”

Jared waved it off.

“Jared.”

“That's me.”

“Just come on.”

Jared rolled out of the bed and onto the floor with a thump.

“Oh my god.” Evan stared at him. 

Jared grunted.

Evan offered a hand. “Get up.”

“Incentive?”

“You get pizza.”

Jared accepted his hand.

Evan pulled him up. 

Jared stumbled, falling into Evan's chest.

“Jared–” Evan fell against the wall, holding Jared up. 

Jared gaped, cheeks red. He hadn't meant to do that, but now his face was very close to Evan's and his eyes were so pretty and Jared couldn't find it in himself to ruin it by talking.

Evan took a deep breath and kissed him. 

Jared was still for a second, but before long he was kissing him back.

Evan didn’t pull away when he probably should have, keeping their lips connected softly. 

Jared pressed back into the kiss, a hand coming up to Evan's cheek.

Evan’s hands were in Jared’s hair, his chest holding the shorter boy up as his back rested on the wall. 

Before things could go any farther, a loud knock on Evan's door startled the boys apart. “Dinner!”

Evan shoved Jared off. 

Jared stumbled back, eyes wide. 

“Uh– Nice practice session, ready for the real thing?” Evan’s face was beet red. 

“Uh,” Jared gulped. “R-Right.”

Evan wiped his mouth and pulled Jared out. 

Jared followed silently.

Evan sighed when he saw his mother wasn't home, but it had been expected. 

Jared quietly sat down at the table where Evan's father was waiting.

Evan took the seat next to his father so Jared wouldn't have to. 

Evan's father cleared his throat. “So.”

“Yeah?” Evan hated conversations like this. 

“You have a boyfriend.”

“Yeah.”

Jared stayed quiet. 

Evan's dad eyed him. “You're gay.”

“No. I told you. “I'm bisexual.”

His dad paused. “You've had sex with him?”

Evan didn't know what was the better answer. “Yes..? Like I said. Earlier.”

Jared toyed with his fingers. 

His dad grunted. “We’ll see if it lasts.”

“Aren't you going back to Colorado?”

His dad shot him a look. “Thanks, son. Very welcoming.”

Evan shrugged. “You have your _real_ family there.”

Jared cleared his throat. “Um. Pizza?”

Evan slid the box to Jared. He wasn't feeling very hungry at the moment.

Evan's father shot Evan an unimpressed look. He went to say something, but his phone rang. He pulled it out, checked the ID and then promptly excused himself.

Evan sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “He doesn't even care.”

Jared grimaced. “That was… not good.”

“I told you.”

Jared sighed. “Tough guy.”

“Yeah. Mom would help if she was here.”

Jared nodded. “So she's taken it well?”

“Uh huh. She made me a cake. We had a little coming out party. We watched Love, Simon together.”

Jared smiled. “That's so sweet.”

Evan smiled too. “It was. She's the best. I just wanted him to accept me too.”

Jared nodded. “Yeah. I'm sorry he doesn't seem to understand.”

“I thought seeing us together would change that.”

Jared took Evan's hand reassuringly. “Maybe it will. Eventually.”

“What, like fake date forever until he gets it through his stupid head?”

“I mean, he has to get it eventually!”

“I dunno, he’s pretty thick.” 

“Well, I believe in you.”

“Sure you do. Uh, kiss me when he comes back. For good measure.”

Jared cracked a smile. “Yeah.” He pulled him forward into a kiss, even though he didn't know if his dad was on his way back or not.

Evan again pulled away later than necessary. “Thanks, but he's not back yet.”

“I know.” Jared hummed.

“You know.”

Jared smiled. “Yeah.”

Evan sighed. “Now he's coming back.”

“Good.” Jared kissed him again.

“Mm–” 

Jared went hard. Tongue involved.

Evan went along with it the best he could. 

Evan's dad watched.

Evan had one hand in Jared's hair and the other on his cheek, a small involuntary noise escaped him. 

Evan's father bristled. “Alright!”

Evan pulled off with a pop. “Hm?”

“Enough with the PDA!”

Evan's eye twitched. “Sorry, hard to keep my hands off,” he growled. 

Jared blushed slightly. 

His dad shot him a look. “Where exactly is this attitude coming from, Evan?”

“I-” Evan's wit had failed him. “Uh…”

Jared spoke up. “Maybe he wouldn't have to have an attitude if you actually listened.”

Evan just nodded. 

Evan's father scoffed. “I wasn't talking to you, boy.”

“You shouldn't talk at all if all that comes out of your mouth is shit,” Evan said. 

Jared's eyes widened. Holy shit. 

Mr. Hansen jolted. “Room. Now.” He pointed down the hall. “Go.”

Evan grabbed a slice of pizza. “This isn't your house, you know.”

“Go!”

Jared stood, grabbing the whole pizza box is one hand and Evan's free hand in the other. He tugged him out of the room. “Holy shit!”

Evan took a deep breath. “What did I just do?”

“Holy shit!” Jared repeated, slamming Evan's bedroom door closed behind them. “That was awesome!”

“What did I _do?!_ ”

“You did amazing!”

“I yelled at my dad!”

“Yeah! And I took the pizza!”

“I took a slice…”

Jared kissed Evan.

Evan froze for a moment, but pulled away this time. “It’s over, Jared, he doesn't care,” he whispered. 

Jared's smile froze. “Huh?”

“You- You don't have to pretend to tolerate me anymore.”

“What?” Jared's smile dropped. “You think-”

“You figure out your payment yet?” Evan sighed and sat on his bed. 

Jared shook his head. “Fuck my payment!” He gave Evan a look. “You aren't- You don't feel anything?!”

“I'm feeling a lot of things right now.”

“You know what I mean.”

“You mean for you?”

“Yes.”

“Doesn't matter. You're the one with no feelings.”

Jared gaped. “Excuse me?”

“Thank god you went to theatre camp in fifth grade, kudos to you on a great performance.”

Jared recoiled as though slapped. “That's really what you believe?”

Evan shrugged. 

Jared's face went blank. “Fine. Have a nice life, Hansen.” He dropped the pizza box on the table, moving to leave the room.

“...Wait.” Evan watched him. “You-You just told me, y-yesterday, not to fall in love with you.”

Jared turned, hand on the door knob. “I was scared of liking this too much. I was right to be.”

“Don't go. Please, I- I just didn't want you to, I dunno, make fun of me.” Evan stood up. “Kiss me again? Yeah?”

Jared didn't move. “You- You're serious? Not messing with me?”

“Why did you think I was so into it, Jared? I can't act worth anything. At lunch, you were just so _sweet_.”

Jared was quiet. “I was worried about you.”

“Worried?”

“Yeah. You were acting weird, and I was worried.”

“Are you going to kiss me and be sweet again or are you going to leave me here to cry?”

Jared turned away from the door, striding over until he was mere inches from Evan. “Are you going to let me leave? Or get me to stay?”

Evan watched Jared's eyes for a moment before leaning down and kissing him softly. 

Jared's hand was instantly on his cheek, holding him still as he tilted his head to deepen it.

The kiss turned harsh quickly, Evan's hands resuming their spots from at the dinner table. 

Jared reciprocated enthusiastically, a soft noise escaping him.

Evan didn't even pull away to speak. “You're cute.”

“I have a crush on you.”

Evan laughed. “Yeah. I have one on you too.”

“Thank God.” Jared wrapped his arms around Evan's middle.

“Y-You really weren't acting?”

“No,” he shook his head. “I was acting like an asshole. And acting like I was seducing you. Neither worked out.”

“You could try that seduction thing again…”

Jared laughed. “Oh yeah?”

“I mean...I enjoyed it.”

Jared kissed down Evan's jaw, voice lowering. “Oh yeah?”

Evan was instantly redder. “Y-Yeah.”

“Good.” Jared started sucking a mark into Evan's skin. 

“M-My dad’s gonna think we had sex,” Evan whispered. 

“Good.” Jared nipped at the skin lightly.

Evan made a noise. “I guess.”

“I'll fight him.”

“Hot.” 

Jared snorted, moving up to kiss his lips again. “You're cute.”

“No. You at lunch was cute. I could have died.”

“Good thing you didn't.”

“Thank God.” Evan leaned down to kiss him again. 

Jared accepted it happily.

Evan pulled off for breath after a while. “You think we can be more convincing now?”

Jared laughed. “Probably. One day he might actually walk in on something for real.”

“Lock the door!”

“Nah.”

“Then don't get naked.”

“Boo!”

“...Yet?”

Jared laughed. “You're cute.” 

Evan felt a smile coming on. “This is..real, right?”

Jared nodded. “No acting involved.”

Evan kissed him again. 

Jared tangled his fingers in Evan's hair instantly.

Evan backed against the wall. 

Jared licked at the seam of Evan's lips.

Shuddering, Evan parted his lips. 

Suddenly they were kissing intensely, just like they had at dinner.

Evan let out a whimper against Jared’s mouth. 

Jared kissed him harder in response.

Evan clutched Jared’s shirt tightly as if he’d try to leave again. 

Jared may have moaned softly.

Evan separated them just enough to speak. “Did you just moan?”

Jared panted. “Maybe?”

“A-And did I think it was hot?”

Jared bit his lip. “Did you?”

Evan hesitated. “Yeah, I did.”

Jared smiled. “Awesome.”

“I kinda wanna yell at my dad some more.”

“As hot as it is to watch, I kinda wanna make out more.”

“Understood.” Evan flipped around and tugged him to his bed. 

Jared giggled. “So formal.”

“Shush or I’ll eat that pizza instead of kissing you.”

“No!”

“Then what’d you take it for?”

“So your dad couldn't have any.”

Evan nodded. “Good, nice. He likes it with ranch anyway.” 

Jared scoffed. “Ranch is good with pizza.”

“Do I have to break up with you?”

“Do not, but I'm only stating the facts.”

Evan crossed his arms. “Maybe I shouldn’t make out with you.”

“Hey!”

“You have ranch tongue!”

“You're a ranch tongue! We just made out!”

“You’re ranch tongue patient zero.”

Jared stuck his tongue out, and promptly licked Evan's chin.

“Jared!” Evan screeched. “What the fuck?!” He wiped his face. “That was uncalled for!”

“That's what you get. Now you're ranch tongue patient one. Infected.”

“What’s the vaccine?! The antidote?! Where is it?!”

“Can only be received by making out.”

“You’re insufferable sometimes.” Evan pressed his lips to Jared’s. 

Jared smiled into the kiss, pushing Evan down on the bed.

Evan gasped as his back hit the mattress, but pushed harder against Jared’s mouth in response. 

Jared made a soft noise, propping himself up on one arm.

Evan smiled, holding Jared down on him. 

Jared laughed a bit. “Ranch tongue has no cure, you fool.”

“You trickster!”

Jared laughed again, pecking Evan's lips.

“I can’t believe you!” Evan joked. 

Jared laughed. “You're a ranch boy now.”

“I hate that!” 

“Ranch boy, Ranch boy!” Jared chanted.

“Stop that! That’s you!” Evan pushed him off. “You’re Ranch boy!”

Jared giggled. “Ranch boys.”

“I’m not a ranch boy!”

Jared stuck his tongue out.

“Don’t you dare lick me again.”

Jared moved closer, pressing his tongue to Evan's cheek.

Evan groaned. “Get your tongue away from me! Or at least put it– Just don’t– No licking me!”

Jared quirked an eyebrow. “Put it where?”

“Back in your mouth,” Evan monotoned. 

“Or?”

Evan mumbled something. 

“What was that?”

Evan mumbled louder. 

“Come again?”

Evan was red. “You really want me to say I want your tongue on my dick, don’t you?” He grabbed a slice of pizza to distract himself from how embarrassing that was. 

“I wouldn't mind hearing it,” Jared grinned.

“Then you’ll have to say it yourself because I’m not saying it again.”

“I'd like having my tongue on your dick.”

“Jared!” Evan nearly choked on the pizza. “You weren’t supposed to actually say it!” 

Jared shrugged. “I know what I'm about.”

“Jesus christ.”

Jared snorted.

“No kisses for you.”

Jared jolted. “What?!”

“You’re making fun of me! No kisses for mean ranch boys!”

“Hey! But I want kisses!”

“Should have thought about that, huh?”

Jared licked his cheek.

“ _Jared!_ No kisses for a week!”

Jared pouted.

“Your own damn fault.”

Jared ducked under the covers of the bed to continue pouting.

“Mhm, keep complaining. I’m gonna eat this ranchless pizza.”

Jared whined.

“Mm,” Evan hummed. “It’s so good without ranch.”

Jared didn't respond.

Evan made sure to eat loudly. 

Jared shifted closer to Evan beneath the blankets.

Evan watched the lump move, but didn’t stop eating. 

Jared's hand snuck under Evan's shirt.

Evan sighed. “Jared.”

Jared cuddled up to him, an arm wrapped around his midsection.

“Are you trying to cuddle me right now?” Evan asked. 

Jared moved closer, throwing a leg over Evan's.

“I can handle rough making out a few minutes after actually getting together for real, but cuddling crosses the line,” Evan joked, pulling Jared’s other leg on his lap anyway. 

Jared laughed, popping his head out of the blanket.

Evan smiled. “Snapping at my dad gave me a confidence booster we’d be fools to waste, so I’m holding off on that week of no kisses.”

Jared smiled at him. “Oh yeah?”

Evan nodded. “I can’t be sure I’ll ever be this confident again.”

Jared grinned. “Go nuts, tiger.”

Evan pulled Jared the rest of the way into his lap and kissed him hard. 

Jared pressed into it happily.

Evan inched Jared closer so their chests were almost flush together and deepened their kiss significantly. 

Jared’s hands were still under Evan's shirt as he trailed his hands up his chest.

Evan shuddered, but made no effort to move Jared’s hands away. 

Jared shifted in Evan's lap.

Evan made a choked noise. 

Jared paused, repeating his actions curiously. 

Evan’s noise came out louder. 

Jared shuddered. “Ev?”

Evan hesitated. “Hm?”

“Are you hard?”

Evan actually choked that time. “Uh.”

Jared quirked his eyebrows.

“Th-That’s just my, uh, wallet?”

Jared rolled his hips. 

Evan held back another sound. “It- It’s my cylindrical w-wallet?”

Jared reached down. 

Evan screeched. “My highly sensitive cylindrical wallet!”

Jared smirked. “Highly sensitive, huh?”

“M-Maybe?”

Jared pressed his hand down.

Evan grabbed Jared’s hand. “Okay!” he squeaked. “I’m hungry!”

Jared laughed, retracting his hand. “Cute.”

Evan shoved a bite of pizza into his mouth. “A-Anyway.”

Jared cuddled up to him, laying his head against Evan's chest.

Evan put his hand on the back of Jared’s neck. “My mom should, um, be back now. I bet my dad’s ranting to her.”

“Maybe. Does she even like me?”

“My mom? Heidi Hansen? You’re an angel in her eyes. ‘Oh, I’m so glad you and Jared are friends’, ‘Oh, Evan, I knew Jared was perfect for you’. All the time. All day.”

Jared laughed. “For real?”

Evan nodded. “She thinks you’re just the best friend I could ever have.”

Jared hummed softly. “I'm a terrible friend.”

“Yeah, well, you’re already a better boyfriend.”

Jared bit his lip. “Boyfriend, huh? I like that.”

“Well only if you...You know. Wanna be.”

“I would enjoy that very much.”

Evan smiled. “Good. Me too.”

Jared stole a quick kiss, but then scrunched up his nose. “Greasy lips.”

“Better than ranch tongue.”

Jared rolled his eyes. 

Evan smirked. 

Jared pressed kisses to Evan’s neck as he ate.

Evan had quickly finished the pizza on his own. “Are you staying over?”

“Can I?”

“Of course.”

Jared smiled. “I’d like that.”

Evan returned the smile. “Me too. As long as you’re less like a dick and more like this soft guy.”

Jared laughed. “This soft guy?”

“Yeah, you being nice. It’s a lot more attractive than being a douchebag.”

Jared hummed. “I’ll keep that in mind.” He buried his face in Evan’s shirt.

Evan ran his fingers through Jared’s hair. “Just wanted you to know.”

Jared nodded. “That’s understandable. If I ever act like a dick it’s because I’m being a bitch about my own feelings.”

Evan grimaced. “Do you wanna talk about that?”

“Not right now. Not really.”

“Well, um, my ears are open any time. Just kinda wish, uh, it didn’t take so long for you to show who you really are.”

Jared grimaced. “Yeah. I’m sorry. I promise we’ll talk about it. Just, hold me?”

Evan nodded. “Yeah. I think we both need that right now.” 

Jared nodded, leaning up to kiss Evan’s cheek.

“Did you just want to go to bed?” Evan asked, leaning his head down to rest his chin on Jared’s. 

Jared hummed. “Yeah. I’m sleepy.”

“Um, do you see, like, a green thing on the floor?” Evan asked quietly. 

Jared curiously leaned over the edge of the bed, plucking a lumpy green object from the floor.

“Thanks.” Evan took it from Jared’s hands almost immediately. 

Jared blinked. “What is that?”

“Peas.”

“...What?”

“From Toy Story? They unzip, there are peas in there.”

Jared blinked, reaching up to pull at the plastic zipper.

Evan swatted his hand away. “Only professionals can unzip the triplets.” He tugged the zipper down and exposed three very happy plush peas. 

“Oh, look at them,” Jared mused.

Evan nodded. “They’re cute. They’re my children. Along with my shelf of children.” He gestured to his plants. 

Jared laughed softly. “Did you name them?”

“I’m not an animal. Of course I did. Take me on a date and I’ll tell you their names.”

“Why can’t this be a date?” Jared pouted.

“Because I say it isn’t. Buy me food and it’ll be a date.”

“I took your dad's pizza. Isn't that close enough?”

“Buy it with money. Then we’ll talk about pea names.” Evan boldly gave him a kiss on the forehead.

“Damn.” Jared cuddled back up to Evan’s chest. “Guess I’ll sleep wondering, then.”

Evan put his hand back on Jared’s neck. “Guess so.”

Jared pressed himself close to Evan. “G'night, Ev.”

Evan yawned. “Goodnight, Jared.”

Jared smiled to himself as he let his eyes fall closed.


End file.
